Sometimes we have men in the program who decide all they need in recovery is God. He will be their sponsor and they can’t see that God uses others to work through. He uses AA and NA and Celebrate Recovery and others who have been there before and God Works Through People. A lot. If he didn’t, I’d be lost. He uses all kinds of people to reach me and teach me about Him. Amazing, really, this incredible God.
It was in one of those exchanges with a dear friend, she was trying to get out of a funk and I wasn’t helping and we were going back and forth with email. She was prodding and I needed it and there are things I need to say but can’t quite get out and so it just hung in the air for a bit. I can wear people out with this, I can. Could be why I don’t have more friends! 😉 So I went to bed with that feeling that I was missing something and allowing my feelings to dictate my thoughts. And feelings lie. Sleep came hard and sound and I awoke to a different mind and had to let her know it’s okay. The funk and moments of not “feeling” what we think we should feel are just that: moments. They are not us. Not me. So I wrote her this:
Here’s why we’re okay. We are intentional. We are. We keep searching, giving, sharing, wanting and loving. On purpose. Because we want this life God offers. We want to be his child and even when we may not “feel” it or the feelings seem sucked out of us (okay, maybe I’m talking about me) or wonder if I can even get it right and escape the demons that chase after us, in the midst of all that, we don’t leave his side. We still search for the words, the truth that brings hope and assurance that nothing separates us from his love. When I know I’m but dust and feel like the dust he wants to shake off his sandals, I see the lies trying to swallow me and I keep hanging on. I hang on with you and that is huge. I hang on with people I’ve never met as I read their words on the screen and feel my heart beat in every letter typed out before me. God is calling my name in all these places. Our name he echoes through the empty places that sometimes sweep over. And somewhere deep within I know it’s not me but his strength that claws for every piece of ground I stand on. That’s us. You and me. I know it. And we’ll be okay. It might not feel like it but We are.
Too often I find it hard to be me with others. Instead, I’m a “company-friendly” version of me. But not this one. Not her. And I am SO thankful for that. Thankful God works through others. I’m trying to get out of His way so He can work through me too.