It’s a huge, busy, skipping from place to place week around here, one that could be written in a colossal, run-on sentence. It’s the granddaughter’s spring break and we’re blessed to have her with us though she may not feel it’s a break as we shuttle her with us on the to and fro circuit.
It’s spring, which means it looks exactly the same outside here as it did in winter. And fall, and summer: brilliant blue skies, palm trees swaying to a swift breeze and the humidity starting to crawl its way up.
I don’t do these kinds of weeks well. The kind where we sleep in one place for two nights and then another for two nights and so on. Especially with a 7-year old when I know how important routine is. She is doing better than me.
We caught our breaths yesterday before we leave today. A trip we’d rather skip as we’re going to wait beside my sister-in-law, no doubt laugh the tension we’re holding inside because that’s how we cope. My brother was recently diagnosed with stage 2 prostate cancer and is having surgery tomorrow (Tuesday). The news is optimistic and we are holding to that but inside, yeah, my heart is beating a little harder and my breathing not quite as deep.
When news of his diagnosis came it brought with it all kinds of unrealized feelings of our little family. Things that had never surfaced but make so much sense. The feeling that it’s been he and I alone ever since our parents divorce. Almost like I’ve felt us orphaned in an odd way because we’ve always been loved by our parents but I realized how the physical separation made me feel alone. And in charge of this guy who drove me crazy when we were kids but is my best friend now.
With this week and next staring me down, not much is certain, as if anything ever is but God. That seems to be where he wants me these days. Knowing that whatever else is swirling about, in the thick of uncertainty about cancer, moving, relapse, and our next breath, He is certain. His unending love, his compassion and mercy, his grace that pours over my doubt and fears is certain. Always. Forever.