My real fear

I’m not afraid of doing a project with the children in Haiti and they don’t speak English and I don’t speak French.

I’m not afraid of being without American luxuries for a few days.

I don’t think I’m even afraid of the whole appearance thing. You know, the one that comes from not being able to properly dry the hair so it’s partly being held up by clips and a hair band and most of it falling out by the end of the day? Clothes looking rumpled because they keep telling me how hot it will be and who cares if my shirt matches the pants when we’re painting shelves or playing a game with the kids?

Part of me looks forward to, what I expect, might be freeing.

No, what I’m afraid of the most is what if this isn’t the biggest thing in my life? What if I’m not changed forever after?

That’s what people keep telling me. This is going to be life-changing. I won’t be the same.

My heart already aches for their need, for any I see in desperate need. I can’t watch an old person shuffle across the street in America without wondering if they have enough to eat. How can it hurt more? What difference will my being there make?

That’s my fear. My real fear.

I know God is big and maybe that’s the whole thing. He’s bigger than I have or ever will conceive. I don’t understand his greatness. CAN NOT wrap my head around what he does in spite of me.

The greatness of this trip has me trembling. I am working on changing it from a fearful trembling to an awesome trembling. The kind where my soul stirs at God’s awesome presence. I am breathing that in now. And will aim to continue in the knowledge that He goes before me, marking the way. He is the I AM. Not me. not me.

27 Comments

  1. iamnotshe said:

    Oh Debby. I’m sorry I didn’t comment on your last post. I’m glad to be here. I hope you will experience whatever YOU experience and that it will be OK with YOU, yes YOU, what you do or don’t experience. I know God will help you sort things out, but you are the one who will be there; having feelings. God’s going with; God’s always with. OX Melis

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Mel, you really do know me and I’m so glad you do. Yes, he is already helping me sort things out. I need to get out of my own way! I’m starting to do that and the view is much better!

      March 5, 2013
      Reply
      • iamnotshe said:

        Wlw, i reread my comment, and it seemed so harsh. Sorry. I just meant, I get you. I am the same way! I put all sorts of pressure on myself to “do what i’m supposed to”, or feel the way i’m supposed to. I have trouble just letting myself “be”. God has no trouble letting us be us. I hope i’m taking this advice as well 😉 XOXOX

        March 5, 2013
        Reply
  2. I don’t think I breathed while I read this. Amazing insights.

    I’ll be praying for your days there.

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Many thanks, Katharine, many, MANY! 🙂

      March 5, 2013
      Reply
  3. I don’t think I breathed while I read this. Amazing insights.

    I’ll be praying for your days there.

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Many thanks, Katharine, many, MANY! 🙂

      March 5, 2013
      Reply
  4. Kimberly Vermeer said:

    “…….It’s a dangerous business, going out your door……” – Bilbo Baggins

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Love that, Kim. You’ve taken the uncharted journey. Still on it! You’re a wonderful trailblazer, my friend!

      March 5, 2013
      Reply
  5. Kimberly Vermeer said:

    “…….It’s a dangerous business, going out your door……” – Bilbo Baggins

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Love that, Kim. You’ve taken the uncharted journey. Still on it! You’re a wonderful trailblazer, my friend!

      March 5, 2013
      Reply
  6. Prayers for your trip
    Remember there are over 365 references on FEAR in the Bible
    Well above once a day
    FEAR NOT – He goes before-during-after you
    God Bless

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Susie, God know his people well, doesn’t he? His care is being made more clear each day. Keep the prayers going!

      March 5, 2013
      Reply
  7. Prayers for your trip
    Remember there are over 365 references on FEAR in the Bible
    Well above once a day
    FEAR NOT – He goes before-during-after you
    God Bless

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Susie, God know his people well, doesn’t he? His care is being made more clear each day. Keep the prayers going!

      March 5, 2013
      Reply
  8. judikruis said:

    I’ve had many of those feelings after the trip too. “His perfect love casts out all fear.” May you feel and share that love every step of this trip!

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Thanks, Judi. Always good to know I’m not alone in those feelings. Will have much to share when I return and looking forward to that!

      March 6, 2013
      Reply
  9. judikruis said:

    I’ve had many of those feelings after the trip too. “His perfect love casts out all fear.” May you feel and share that love every step of this trip!

    March 5, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Thanks, Judi. Always good to know I’m not alone in those feelings. Will have much to share when I return and looking forward to that!

      March 6, 2013
      Reply
  10. Paula said:

    I get it – and I’ll pray for us both to trust Him for WHATEVER the outcome is with the plans for our lives – He’s got them all planned. I’m learning to embrace the words – His way is best, you see – even when I feel that I don’t make a difference! Praying you’ll experience Him in new ways as you prepare for Haiti, experience it and then remember the experience!

    March 6, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Paula, thanks so much. It’s good to share our experiences and those feelings wrapped up in them. I know it more and more. I’m not sure there’s a song that touches my heart as much EVERY TIME I hear it than the one you referenced. I, We’re, in His hands. YES! I’m so looking forward to the rejoicing when I return. (And in the midst of it too!)

      March 6, 2013
      Reply
  11. Paula said:

    I get it – and I’ll pray for us both to trust Him for WHATEVER the outcome is with the plans for our lives – He’s got them all planned. I’m learning to embrace the words – His way is best, you see – even when I feel that I don’t make a difference! Praying you’ll experience Him in new ways as you prepare for Haiti, experience it and then remember the experience!

    March 6, 2013
    Reply
    • Debby said:

      Paula, thanks so much. It’s good to share our experiences and those feelings wrapped up in them. I know it more and more. I’m not sure there’s a song that touches my heart as much EVERY TIME I hear it than the one you referenced. I, We’re, in His hands. YES! I’m so looking forward to the rejoicing when I return. (And in the midst of it too!)

      March 6, 2013
      Reply

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