Today I’m sharing with you something my oldest niece posted on her Facebook. She is an amazing young woman who was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 19. For many years she was misdiagnosed because the medical community thought it was most common in boys. I asked her permission to share this because I think this touches all of us and because I think she is a beautiful soul who would love to be labeled “ordinary”. It’s really about adolescence but maybe adolescence x 10. I also want to share a bit of family bragging, she has taught herself to sew and makes fantastic costumes for the ComiCons she enjoys. Breanne is 23 and works with animals, who she prefers to people 😉
LONG POST, many tears, not tagging anyone (too many people to tag!) but you all who can see this means you mean a lot to me.
Dear ten year old me.
Life sucks so hard right now but don’t worry. 4th grade is almost over and soon you’ll be moving to VA. You just went through the single worst year of your life. Bullies are the literal worst. You learn to hate yourself. You learn to self harm. You want to die everyday and think about how painful it is just to get up and go to school but IT’S SO CLOSE TO ENDING HANG ON. Please, listen to your parents who love you and care so deeply for you. They are your biggest supporters right now.
You move to VA. Life looks good again. You struggle with depression still, that will never go away. You have those times of self harm still. But this time, this time you have friends. You make friends and learn about anime and your life forever changes at 13.
You move to MD, Freshmen year and you once again struggle. You make friends but still get picked on. You’re a strange you and no one will get you, but that’s all okay. That’s just how God made you.
Sophomore year you start Public school and forever are once again changed. You make bad friend choices. Choose to hang out with someone who hates on your religion to a bullying point of them making you cry and hate yourself all over. You get made fun of and bullied everyday for being a Christian. You cry everyday you go home and self harm becomes a part of your life all over. Don’t worry, you break this friendship, the bullies leave you alone and apologize all in your Senior year and make better friends.
You move to FL and start Community College and flunk so hard.
This is the year your life changes once again. Flunking was part of the master plan and its okay don’t stress it. You fall into a long spell of depression and once again feel like you shouldn’t live. This time you’ll do something and check into a hospital. It is the worst week. You get little help, your doctor has no clue how to help and is no help at all. You hate every second of this. BUT. This is the moment, the moment feet are slammed down and questions finally asked. This is when all these depression spells, self harm, hating living, this is where it all finally gets an answer.
You’re 19 and you finally know why you are so different from everyone, why it’s hard for you to relate to others. You’re someone with Asperger’s and everything finally makes sense. It finally answers all those questions and you understand just a little more.
You start Learning Academy and once again make a poor friend choice but also one that will last the years. You make friends who also are on the spectrum, you meet people who finally can understand you better than any neuro-typical (one with not mental handicap or mental disability) ever could. This is the year life starts looking up.
You join the FL con scene and make friends. You make more lasting friends and get on cast for dorky con shows that make you feel amazing and are just what you need even though you think they aren’t.
So hang in there 10 year old me. Life sucks, it’s horrible, it’s the single worst moments right now. You will never forget the pain you felt, you never should. But in the coming years you learn how loved you are. How much people care for you. Keep hanging in because you bring people together. Hold on to the last moments of that year. Hold on because it’s almost over and your year ends with Loll and Stitch. It ends with a movie that shows just how you felt, how bullied you were, how alone you were but how family is everything and you’ll have the best friends coming along to save you.